les deux

i haven’t written in ages because i am tired all the time.

i came out of the internet personality closet at work about a month or so ago, and my boss and a few coworkers have listened to the show. they’re cooler about it than i could have dreamed, which is fantastic because although i really love the perks of this podcast, i have no desire to stop working here any time soon.

75% of my day is spent at work (for the purposes of my life, “work” means “everything i do” not “day job”), working, or thinking about work. more and more, i feel the line between my real life and my entertainment life growing thicker. Crissle is a hat I wear, a business. Crissle is for hire. And since I am property of my day job while there and swaddled in being Crissle otherwise, my only escape is sleep. i don’t get enough of it but i cherish it every night, usually drifting off fairly quickly after earnestly praying for blank brains and gray dreams.

i can’t in good conscience complain.

so this, i think, is what being a hustler feels like. i made the decision to go for it, whatever “it” or “this” means, and i don’t know if i’m flying or falling but i can’t go back to who i used to be.

there’s no gluing the mirror back together.
no pouring the milk from the floor to the carton.

even if i wanted to pretend none of this ever happened, “Crissle” will always be attached to me no matter what. if it ends today or sixty years from now, if it’s a successful brand or flops after a year, i’ll always be associated with this. the digital age is terrifying.

my friend is my partner. this is an adjustment too and not a bad one, but unfamiliar.

i’m in the middle of a fast and so far it’s easier than i thought it’d be. i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i have been casually yet consistently dating. i usually find myself in the company of interesting, engaging women but walking away feeling like i am still not missing out on much by staying single. that is honestly nothing against them – it is me, and the way i am consumed by my two lives, that makes it impossible to add another responsibility. i am selfish and guarded. i fixate on my flaws.

most of the time i would rather be alone and not thinking.  my life has bigger highs and sadder lows now. i can’t figure out if i’m hypersensitive or if every joy and pain around me are really as intense as they seem. i didn’t want to believe it but i’m not going to be able to make everyone proud. that keeps me up at night, but not much else.

and so i am at the intersection of being eternally thankful for my blessings and not knowing which way is up from here.